Bill of Rights

Suited Jokers Organization Committee

Article I—Name

Section 1. The name of this organization shall be The Suited Joker Organization Committee, also to be known as Suited J’s, SJ’s, Jokers, Those Monkeys at Suited Jokers, Those guys on that site, Those Suited Joker assholes, Maurices buds, Those guys with the cool poker web site, The 6’s group, Those who play the 6’s, The place where you get the cool skins, The poker site where they worship the one who’s name can not be mentioned, or Who?.

Article II—Purpose

Section 1. The Suited Jokers exists as a group of individuals who subscribe to the philosophy that true enlightenment can only be attained through freedom, and further, that true freedom can only be realized through utter chaos and good Poker skills. The Suited Jokers feels that probably most of the players in the Poker World lack the emotional maturity to experience this total freedom and that the players lack the financial resources to keep rebuilding itself after our dreaded nemesis’ “The Monkey” depletes our bankrolls. To this end, the Suited Jokers seeks to gradually shepherd the Monkey into the new age of enlightenment by establishing futuristic microcosms during every SNG and Tournament, wherein Monkeys compete to acquire the highest number of points based on objects listed by the SJ Committee, each object having been attributed a certain numerical value due to its relative spiritual importance (Commandments governing said acquisition given to the seekers of these karma-charged objects, so that they shall not bring pain, shame, or imprisonment upon themselves or the SJ’s). These “microcosms” essentially amount to pocket universes of chaos, which are, historically speaking, well attended, and well-appreciated by all in attendance.

Article III—Field of Membership


Section 1. The Suited Joker Committee consists of two types of memberships: The Enlightened Ones, and Monkeys. The Enlightened Ones oversees the (un)holy and mysterious affairs of the Poker World and is given an omniscient overview of Things Mere Mortals Were Never Meant To Know (such as the Compilation Of Sacred Items To Be Acquired, and The Great Tournament Pilgrimage). Monkeys are the faithful and are the The Enlightened Ones’s Eyes and Hands. Monkeys aid with advertising, logistics, and budgeting, and are the most stalwart and steadfast collection of men and women, but nevertheless, not permitted to know Things Mere Mortals Were Never Meant To Know.

Section 2. As stated, anyone may petition for Suited Joker membership. The petition process involves the submission of a preliminary Compilation which will be reviewed by the sitting Pantheon. A Compilation unanimously agreed to be Platonically “good.” will earn the petitioner an audience with members of the The Enlightened Ones whom they do not already have the pleasure of acquaintance, wherein the The Enlightened Ones will ascertain whether the petitioner has any flaws, such as modesty or sensitivity or lack of aggression at the tables, that would make her unfit for joining the The Enlightened Ones. Finally, decisions will be made taking into account the petitioner’s previous experience with The Great Game of Poker—priority obviously given to elders and great looking women who submit pictures. Barring a poor Compilation, Audience, or Record, the petitioner then joins the The Enlightened Ones with all privileges resulting, effective immediately. In the other case, the petitioner is thanked, and invited to pursue ultimate enlightenment, either with the Monkeys or by competing in The Great Tournament. All petitioners must live in the Cyber World, have a IQ of at least 10, or the money to bribe their way around said restriction. Additionally, they must be currently metabolically viable, and while mania is not required, it certainly is encouraged. It is important to distinguish these requirements from those of Monkey wannabe’s, for whom there are no requirements.

Section 3. No judge is allowed to be named “Pokercards” or “Boss”.

Article IV—Officers

Sections 1. There are four main offices in the Suited Joker Pantheon. The Poker-Czar is the general overseer, grand marshal, and chief judge in charge of Absolutely Everything. The Minister of Propaganda is responsible for acquiring funds from the SJMS (“Suited Joker Monkey Squad”), and for making sure that the lucre never stops flowing. The “Three Sixes” is the dark god of the Pantheon. The responsibility of this office is to select the torturous route for the Tournament Pilgrimage in order to ensure maximum spiritual cleansing. Sir Documentous is responsible for collecting and archiving the various documents, photos, and other records produced during each Tournament or SNG for the purposes of amusement and inevitable litigation that is always bound to follow. Lastly, there is The Keeper of the Scrolls, whose job it is to order and track the items on the Compilation. The Keeper is also charged with hurling lightning bolts to destroy any non-The Enlightened Ones who would profane the sacred Compilation with their unworthy eyes.

Section 2. The Poker-Czar must have a mind like a steel trap, and a whole lot of time on his hands. The Minister of Propaganda must be able to maintain a presence on the internet, must be able to perform complex mathematical equations in his or her head, and must be able to produce “the best budget[s] we’ve ever seen”. Should he or she ever somehow manage to convince the SJMS that we actually do have an Enlightened Ones breakfast on Thursday morning each year, it will be noted as a first.

The “Three Sixes” must not require sleep or food, and should be 21 years of age or older, and is vouched for by two current officers, including the Pokerczar, but not on leap years.

Sir Documentous must have access to a computer and the web site. His fascination with the phenomenon of the Poker Tournament must be far enough beyond that of the majority of the judges that The Enlightened Ones is able to justifiably call it “sick.”

The Keeper of the Scrolls must also have a mind like a steel trap, the cunning to outwit those who would attempt to steal the Compilation, and a password program on her computer. The Keeper of the Scrolls, being the most anal-retentive Judge, as is implicit in the bylaws, is responsible for choosing a successor.

Section 3. Officers will be elected by general consensus, with all objections taken into consideration. The titles are bestowed by the past holder upon a candidate who is then confirmed by the group. Power will be transferred at the beginning of the Tournament year, by the ritual phrases “Doyouwannadoit?” and “Yeahsure,” and although there will be no official announcement save a Spartan communiqué to the other members, everyone, everywhere will somehow just know what has transpired.

Section 4. In the case of amicable removal, the above procedures will be followed. In the unlikely event of an excommunication upon a unanimous vote of “sucks,” the officer in question will be upbraided, shunned, and have his password privileges revoked. Depending upon the severity of the expelling offense he or she may be found sacrificed the next morning.

Section 5. Additional offices and titles can be designated each year. However, the position of Prophet Blasphemer must always remain vacant.

Article V—Meetings

Section 1. Regular meetings of this organization shall be held at irregular but increasingly frequent intervals throughout the year, amounting to about twice a week in the heaviest times. Times and places are organized by the Pokerczar and based upon the availability and convenience of the The Enlightened Ones. It is generally a good idea to have a meeting at the beginning of the Tournament season. By seasons end, the Pokerczar should have a meeting wherein the The Enlightened Ones and their lists will be presented.

Section 2. Special meetings are the normal practice of the Suited Jokers, and may be called by anyone (usually the Pokerczar) at anytime. Members shall be given .25 days’ notice of such meetings.

Section 3. The majority of the present members is a quorum, life essentially being a thing defined by opportunity and timing. Should he or she not be present, the Pokerczar is required to be notified of decisions made at a meeting, but members need not restrict their remarks to happenings at the meetings, and are encouraged to make disparaging remarks about the Pokerczar’s work ethic, and, when appropriate, hygienic practices and poker skills.

Section 4. Meetings will also occur virtually with the use of the Skype. Only The Enlightened Ones are allowed to subscribe, though The Enlightened Ones emeriti may remain on the list. This tool is useful for spreading information about meetings or items. It is not to be used to distribute either chain letters, jokes, or pornography. Well, chain letters and jokes for sure.

Section 5. Since we’re so charming, creative and funny, minutes of the “Full Disclosure” era of the Suited Jokers—that is, now—will be made public. Brainstorms about items will not, though. This disclosure should also keep whiny members of SJ quiet, as they see our inner workings and realize that, just as no one really wants to see how SJ operates, everyone should want to see how the SJ operates.

Section 6. No meeting bearing the name of Suited Jokers shall ever be concluded while beer remains on the table. The use of mind altering drugs during meetings is not condoned however, it sure does help.

Article VI—Elections

Section 1. Election of officers shall be held at the terminus of each Suited Joker active year.

Section 2. Public ballots of all standing Enlightened Ones will be considered.

Section 3. The Enlightened Ones being a compact and often meeting group, word will eventually be given to all of them. The Enlightened Ones unavailable to participate in Judgment Day are not eligible for nomination to be the standing officers.

Section 4. No Judge is ever permitted to nominate him or herself for anything.

Article VII—Committees


Section 1. The Suited Joker’s has five standing committees: Pilgrimage, Finance, Advertising, Judging, and List. Pilgrimage organizes and plans the Poker sites, including embarking on exploratory mission along the proposed route to investigate other Poker sites. The Pilgrimage Committee reports to the “Three Sixes”, and peripherally to the Minister of Propaganda. Finance estimates quarterly expenses, creates budget proposals and keeps track of available funds throughout the year. The Finance Committee reports to the Minister of Propaganda. Advertising is responsible for designing and producing posters, banners, and T-shirts to inform the cyber world about the Suited Jokers. Since Advertising also reports to the Minister of Propaganda, the Advertising and Finance committees are merged into one, but maintain figurehead autonomy in deference to an atavistic adherence to libertarian virtues. The Pokerczar also solely manages the Judging Committee, which amends the text of Article XI to fit as a mold that should shape the practices of Suited Joker personnel on Judgment Day, and jointly oversees the Public Relations Committee (which maintains contact with community charitable organizations, and local and national media), with the Minister of Propaganda. The Keeper’s main committee is the List Committee, which is responsible for producing, refining and editing the Compilation.

Section 2. The previous section is far too confusing, and should therefore be declared null and void as needed.

Section 3. Appointments to the committees are on a voluntary basis, provided that each deity sits on not less than two and not more than three committees. The two integers in that previous sentence can be changed or ignored. Monkeys may volunteer themselves for the Ad, Fac, Finance, or PR Committees, subject to approval from the committee’s Enlightened Ones.

Section 4. The Enlightened Ones also informally form the informal Theme (Song) Committee, which picks a catchy pop song or track by King Crimson every year. For history (and laughter)’s sake, the list of these songs will be appended to the bylaws by the Keeper of the Scrolls.

Article VIII—Dues

Section 1. The Enlightened Ones and all other members must pledge their immortal souls to the “One who’s name can not be mentioned” once per quarter.

Article IX—Handling of Funds

Section 1. The Suited Jokers’s immense financial resources come from its budget negotiations with the SJMS, and as such is deposited to the SJ account (after which, as a former Pokerczar once remarked, it is never seen again). Any funds hypothetically generated by the sale of T-shirts or similar artifacts will naturally go to the SJ account to defray the cost to the SJMS, or pay for buy-ins for the Committee, depending upon what we can get away with. The Minister of Propaganda and the Pokerczar are authorized to withdraw funds and must initial all such withdrawal requests. During Periods of Famine (exempla gratis: 1999), the Pokerczar and Minister of Propaganda may be required to dip into their own gold-lined pockets or seek advertising whoremoney to cover costs. In the case of the former, The Enlightened Ones will feel Catholic guilt and give some of their own coin. In the case of the latter, we’ll all just feel dirty for becoming Catholic in our ways and means.

Section 2. In the mind-boggling event that an alum should volunteer a “shitload” of cash for the purposes of funding The Great Poker Tournament, the Annual Allocations budget proposal may be modified in accordance by the Minister of Propaganda. However, the Pokerczar is responsible for ensuring the ultimate autonomy of the organization and especially the List. In return for their generous monies, donors may be annually provided with no more than the following returns: a schedule of public events, a non-judge t-shirt, dinner and a movie, a babysitter drawn from the The Enlightened Ones ranks well-trained in the art of schmoozing, a personal letter, and a “thanks a lot, suckers,” message on the official website. Should the SJ SugarDaddy be presently reading these bylaws, he should be aware that of course, we are only kidding.

Article X—Judgment Practices

Section 1. All judges during the period of the Tournament are to award points soberly, or at least fooling the Pokerczar with acts of sobriety.

Section 2. Partial credit saved all our asses in School. It can, therefore, save Monkeys, too. The Enlightened Ones can award partial credit even when it’s partially due.

Section 3. Special points, that is, points not indicated in the List of Lists, should be granted with extreme discretion and discipline and only in cases of earth-shattering creativity, personal sacrifice befitting a defender of SJ, and bribery or sycophantic toadying that would make even “the one who’s name can not be mentioned” blush. Note, however, that “smoking” with the The Enlightened Ones falls outside of these criteria. Note also, however, that nudity falls outside, too. Smoking nudity, however, may just about be a free ticket into the Pantheon, but unanimous assent on behalf of the The Enlightened Ones must exist on the question of whether the nudity truly is smoking.

Section 4. As always, the Pokerczar’s word on points is final.

Section 5. Let n be a number for which all items with a larger point value are deemed “tournament” Let m be a number less than n for which all items with a larger point value are deemed “SNG” items. Tournament items are all judged at once, by all of the The Enlightened Ones at once, in a manner similar to judging at diving competitions. However, no member of the The Enlightened Ones should feel the need to emulate that cranky French judge with a chip on her shoulder larger than her annual makeup bill. SNG items are all judged on a scale of 1–10, (or sometimes 11, should a Judge feel the item truly rocks) preferably using integers only, which is then converted by the judges into points using a very, very secret algorithm. Should the above method prove to be unnecessary/daunting/incompatible/moronic/way over our heads, “Tournament” items may be denoted on the List of Lists with a † or other non-secular symbol.

Section 6. All other rules pertaining to the behaviour of the SJ participants are covered in the Rules of the SJ, a document changed every calendar year to accommodate the various ways in which we broke the law from the previous year. The Keeper of the Scrolls must invent a new way of saying “do whatever it takes, but do it LEGALLY” every year.

Article XII—Amendments

Section 1. Bylaws may be amended by 1/4 of total membership. Amendments may not be tabled under the assumption that the amendors must care enough to attend on the given date.

Section 2. All Suited Joker members will be contacted by the Pokerczar the day after amendments are made.

Article XIII—Miscellany

Section 1. “Judgment” is always spelled with only two vowels.

Section 2. No one likes Omaha.

Section 3. One member of the The Enlightened Ones must every year argue vehemently for the giving of a largest treasure to the second-place Monkey, just to shake things up.

Section 4. The Enlightened Ones will not act in loco parentis. It will, however, gleefully act in flagrante delicto.

Section 5. We already terrorised Dallas once during the Tournament. There is every reason to continue doing so.

Section 6. Continental orthographic conventions are preferred to the conventions we have out here in the boonies.

Section 7. These rules are valid only outside the city known colloquially as “Vegas.”

By way of a closing statement the Poker-Czar asks that this Constitution be reviewed with an open mind. Much like the Suited Joker’s itself, this document is designed for maximum irreverence, humor and awesome semi-religious mystery (but hey, two out of three ain’t bad).

That said, should knuckle-dragging critics want to “analyse” this text, a list of current officers is appended below, to be changed every year by the Keeper of the Scrolls.

Last Modified: Wed August 22, 2007

Theme Songs:

2007:[Open]

List of Officers for Suited Jokers 2007:

Poker-Czar:
Sir Documentous:
Minister of Propaganda:
“Three Sixes”:
Keeper of the Scrolls:
The Enlightened Ones:
Prophet Blasphemer: (Vacant)

Important Notice:- Any person having read this far is deemed to be as geeky as Dave for writing this Bill of Rights and therefor automatically qualifies for membership of SuitedJokers inner sanctum, by rule of ‘close association; subsection 69′.

Important 2nd Notice:- Any person wishing to apply for membership of the SuitedJokers inner sanctum by using said rule (close association; subsection 69) must be willing to accept an interrogation session with said author (Dave) and satisfy said author (Dave) that they indeed read the ‘Bill of Rights’ in full and are fully cognizant of what they are signing up for.